My Thank You Letter to My Abuser

Warning: contains graphic material involving violence.

I'll never forget how it felt the first time he hit me. I touched my cheek gingerly, staring at him in horror- how could someone who said they loved me so much treat me this way? Tears welled up in his eyes and he would take my hand, begging me for forgiveness, "I didn't mean it. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me." I believed him. Every single time. As time went on, smacks became punches, punches became chokeholds, and chokeholds became weapons. I still remember my screams as he held me down and slashed my back with a knife, because I didn't arrive at his house exactly at the time he said I had to be there. "Now look what you made me do. It didn't have to be this way. It hurts me more than it hurts you." He would yell at me, tears streaming down his face as he did. I remember thinking to myself, "Where did it all go wrong?" My junior year of high school was my personal hell. My grades, mood, and self-respect sunk completely. I had planned my suicide in more ways than I can count. Along with being bullied by several girls in my school, I was dealing with a boy who abused me in all ways possible- physical, sexual, and emotional. This was too much for a seventeen-year-old. As a result of it all, my parents had me sent to a boarding school my senior year of high school. My new schoolmates did not and still don't understand what I was still trying to overcome and still am overcoming to this day. I cried almost everyday and some days I would go into full fledged panicked screaming fits when I was scared or sad. I know the other students mocked me behind my back or were nervous around me. They did not understand that I was scared, they did not understand how I felt, they did not understand what I saw. This boy had scarred me for the rest of my life. 

And I have never been more thankful in my entire life.

I do not regret that relationship and I wouldn't change it if I had the choice. 

It seems a little crazy and extreme, but my abuser gave me my life. I am the person I am today because of him. It required him taking a little bit of who I am, but the parts of me he doesn't get to keep are the most beautiful parts of me. 

My abuser taught me to make the best of the worst situations. He taught me how to fight back. He taught me how to show care and kindness. He taught me how to be empathetic. He taught me how to find joy in the little things. He taught me how to speak up. He taught me how to not be afraid of who I am. He taught me how to never give up. But most importantly, he taught me how to love myself. I know I should be hateful and angry towards this guy, but I can't say that I hate him. I will always be a little angry and I can't lie when I say I fantasized about what I would do to him if I ever saw him again, but at the end of the day I am truly thankful. He destroyed me as person, physically and mentally, but he also gave me my life. Thank you. 

To those in abusive relationships, 

There is hope. There is ALWAYS hope. As thankful as I am to have survived such an awful relationship and grown as a person, I also do realize that there are others out there who have not overcome this. This hurts me more than that relationship ever hurt me. Do NOT give up. You WILL come back on top, no matter how far down you fall. 

As for my abuser,

I hope someday you learn that love is not painful. I hope someday you realize that can't get what you want by hurting another person. For now, I just want to thank you for giving me a reason to live. When I was laying in that ditch, wondering what my reason was for living, I just want to thank you for giving me that reason. I never realized that how beautiful life is until you. I never realized that we ALL struggle with difficulties in life- even you- until you. I live my life to the fullest. I live everyday like it's the very last day of my life. I love everyone passionately and deeply without hesitating. I smile a little wider. I hug a little harder. I look into the eyes of everyone I meet in hopes of restoring the twinkle that may have been diminished. I sing a little louder for everyone to hear. I dance everyday as often as I can. I wave to everyone. I give a little more to everyone. I admire people more. I look for the good in everyone. I can be the biggest supporter to a random stranger. Before you, I was a sad and lonely high schooler who sought to be loved from others rather than giving love to those who need it most and most importantly, loving myself. I am doing amazing right now all thanks to you. I hope you learn what love. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

{Love Doesn't Hurt}